A Note Expressing Deep Affection

My dearest Oxford Comma,

I love you. There will never be any doubt about that.

I will never, ever let you go. You are so lovely when you sit quietly in my sentence, keeping its meaning clear. You are beautiful, practical, and indispensable.

I know that many people hate you. Please understand that I will defend you to the last. I will protect you from those who want to abolish you and I won’t let them hurt you.

Yours affectionately,

Jordan

The Story of a Monarch Caterpillar in Modern English

(Dear reader, if you’ve been following my blog because you enjoy my writing style, I advise you to skip this post. And if you have any aversion to netspeak or a weak stomach, definitely skip this post. But if you have a weird sense of humor, do read on.)

So this egg is on a leaf k? And then like the egg hatches. There’s a caterpillar now and he’s like Im so hungry Im gonna die!

So next he’s like eating all the leaves he can find going om nom nom nom nom. And he keeps going om nom nom nom nom on the leaves and gets more and more ginormous.

Then he’s like wow Im so fat i think ill sleep so he crawls up high and hangs down like a j. Then he turns into a chrysalis. That’s like you know a little bed.

Then there’s like a week and suddenly the chrysalis turns black. The caterpillar wakes up and goes like whoa I’ve been asleep for way too long and I’m late.

He sticks his head out and looks and sees he’s not a caterpillar anymore no he’s something else. W00t Im a butterfly he says and flies off to do whatever butterflies do. The end.

(Okay, I didn’t know I could write something like that. I don’t anticipate it becoming my normal style, but I thought it was funny… Kind of a sarcastic rant commenting on the state of English in our society.)

Favorite Line of Mothers Now Obsolete

We regret to inform you that a favorite come-back line of mothers everywhere has recently met a tragic end.

As advertised on the Farm and Fleet Toyland Web site, Daisy now packages its famous Red Ryder BB gun with a pair of safety goggles.

This revelation caused panic amongst American mothers, who realized that their favorite line of, “You’ll shoot your eye out.” will no longer be valid. Mothers attempting to use this old standby will now be met with a new counter-attack from their beloved child, who will eagerly show her the advertisement which harkens in the new era of shooting fun without the danger of losing an eye.

It is with heavy hearts that we bid the coup de grâce of mother come-back lines farewell.

(Hat tip: @douglsmith)

This news makes me want to watch A Christmas Story again and relive the days when you could shoot an eye out.